In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
