I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
jump out the window naked night went bad
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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