He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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