I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
