then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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