it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
home. puking in laundry basket.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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