I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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