Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize