o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
