I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
