just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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