He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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