Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
