thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
