Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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