i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
