cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize