So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
