We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
is wine microwaveable?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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