I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
