Dude my mom stole all your condoms
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You are a genius and a whore.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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