You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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