About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
