the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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