Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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