I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
