Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
