i wish starbucks made bloody marys
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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