dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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