He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
