recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
