If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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