He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
