Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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