I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize