You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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