i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
