There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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