farters have to be the big spoon...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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