I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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