Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
