Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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