he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
