I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just cut my nipple shaving
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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