Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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