the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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