I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
