Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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