I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
