this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
