If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
