currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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