What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
