So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
