so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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