i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize