worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
