I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize