When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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