grandma shit on top of the toilet
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
