At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize